Author unknown

Every time I am in a group of bereaved parents, I hear people say things like "I wish my child hadn't died" or "I wish I had him/her back." Those wishes, unfortunately, can never come true. Another wish I hear is, "I wish my friends (or Church, or neighbors, or relatives) understood what I am going through and were more supportive." This wish has some possibility of coming true, if we are able to be honest and assertive with the people around us.

What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child?

Here is a partial list of such wishes:

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear his/her name. I wish you would not feel awkward if I mention his/her name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it is not because you hurt me: The fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you would not kill my child again by removing from your home his/her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you would not compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

I wish you would not expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be cured or a former bereaved parent, but will forever be a recovering bereaved parent.

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illness and be accident-prone; all of which may be related to my grief.

Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his/her death, and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

It is normal and good that most of us reexamine our faith, values and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.

I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs. These are temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to my old self, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me --- Maybe you will like me still.